Do you ever have those nights/days/months/years where everything seems to be hard?
I'm pretty sure it has been that way for me the last little while.

Before you go judging and telling me that I should "get over" it, hear me out. Either that, or stop reading my blog. I don't know if you've noticed but this blog is MY blog. It's like a window to my heart and soul. It is on paper, what I am at that moment. Sorry if you don't like it or feel like I should be a different way.

I have lived in Utah for a year this month. I look back at the past year with a little bit of animosity. I lived with my brother and sister-in-law's family for a few months while looking for a job. I found a job, though underpaid, in my field which I loved. I worked with troubled teenage girls. I learned a lot about them, about myself, and about life. At that time I found an apartment in Murray and moved there with my best friend Anna. It was a great time and a hard time. She was dating someone, we were both working at the same place. I felt very lost and confused. Trying to find your spot in the world is kind of a large and daunting task to be confronted with. It overwhelmed me to a point where I became very overwhelmed.

A couple of months later we lost our jobs, at the same time, due to downsizing of the company. Anna and Buck were engaged at this point. They found an apartment in Orem, I moved in with my brother's family in Springville, again, and I don't think I ever felt so alone in my life.

After about two months of it I met a wonderful guy. He swept me off my feet. He flattered me. He built me up in a ton of ways. He made me feel happy. It was a blissful few weeks. Then he broke my heart. He did it for good reasons. It was for the best, I'm sure. Yet, it left me feeling more broken and alone than I had before.

I moved to Provo with a friend. I am in a great ward. I still feel quite a bit alone. I have been on 1 date since my heart was broken, 6 months ago. To tell you the truth the desire to date is just now creeping back into my life. I have a full-time job, not in my field, that is very thankless but pays well enough that I can support myself. I see it as a great blessing.

The point is that I hated this year all in all. It was mean and cruel to me in a lot of ways. I feel left behind, forgotten, lost. I know this isn't right and I'm not proclaiming that it is. I am just saying that in general for the past year this is how I have felt.

Some of you might claim that it is because of my attitude towards life. You might be right. The thing is that I have tried to change it and it seems like every time I do, I get this HUGE smack across my face. It knocks me to the ground and I land on my face and bust my nose open. Then I'm walking around with a busted nose and a black eye and it takes time to heal from that. Then as soon as it is healed, I get smacked down again.

I feel like those close friend I've had my whole life don't really remember what that feels like. They don't seem to remember the pain that comes with that fall, the healing even more so sometimes. Which is good, because maybe I will forget it all too after I am married. Until then, though, it hurts like hell. A problem I run into with it is that I am also getting older. I don't have as much time or effort that can be put into this healing process. Yet, it also seems as if the older you are the longer it takes.

I know, I know. I am a Debbi Downer. Life isn't as bad as I think it is. I should be counting my blessings and baking cookies. Most of you who are thinking to yourself right now that I need to pull my head out and move on, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, even if you think you do.

Just a brief spec of life.

It's been awhile.

A lot has happened, and honestly...I don't really feel like talking about it. Instead I'm leaving that all behind me and looking at the here and now.

I received tragic news this weekend. My former boss/friend/mentor from BYU Idaho passed away in a motorcycle accident this weekend. He was an amazing man. When I say amazing, I mean Christ-like. He continually had an intuition about others. What they needed, how they were doing, etc. He had a glow about him. He LIVED the gospel. His eldest son, not an active member of the church, said, referring to the gospel, "it meant everything to him". It makes you stop and think, what does it mean to me?

I don't have the light in me like he did, but I will.

I've also been longing for summer. I'm a happier, healthier, prettier person during the summer. I think most people are. Sun-kissed and barely wearing clothes. It's the way everything is supposed to be. We aren't meant to be pale, chubby creatures hidden in layers and layers of cotton and wool. It's unnatural.

I am currently looking for new employment also. I like who I work with/for and I hate what I do. Well, I don't hate it, it's just super monotonous and boring. I want to work with youth. I would love to be some kind of a coordinator for EFY or some other camp-like program. That would be amazing.

That's about what is going on in my mind right now. Life is pretty boring.

Warning, You Might Not Like What You Hear.

Life is hard.
I find that my biggest mistake so far is thinking that it's going to get easier.
I've done a lot of things in my short life here. Some of them good and others not so good, some which are down right evil.

I've had to do a lot of soul searching this past year. I keep waiting for me to figure it all out. I keep waiting for that point in time where I know who I am, and I'm in love with who I am and I have no question about where I want to go, what I want to do in life, etc. I want thtat point in life where I'm certain that I've made the right choices and I'm just there, existing, happy every day just to be me. I keep thinking that moment will come when I'm married, have a family, a husband with a good job, a descent home to live in, etc. That's what I see as a real life. A successful life. Yet, I find myself in a completely different and almost opposite situation.

I'm a 25 year old girl. I got broken up with by a man who could have very easily been the love of my life. All of my friends, save a small handful, are married to the love of their lives. I on the other hand feel that I am almost being forced to live mine alone. Yes, I know. I have a wonderful family. I'm lucky to have a good job. I have "potential" "ambition". I'm "pretty" "outgoing" blah blah blah etc etc etc. Here's the problem that I find with any and all of these "comforting" things...it isn't what I want. It isn't what I've been taught can even remotely bring me happiness. I know that none of it will bring me to that peaceful point where I feel comfort and purpose and fulfillment.

I'm a 25 year old girl. I am alone while being surrounded by hundreds of people every day. I'm isolated among friends.

Do you know what it's like to literally have one desire in life? Do you know what it's like to yearn for something so much that you would do almost anything to obtain it? Do you know the strive, the heartache, the pain that goes into that yearning? I do.
Do you know what it is like to have no control whatsoever as to when that goal is to be obtained? Do you know what it's like to done everything that is in your power to reach that goal and then have your dreams crushed over and over again as you see others obtaining that very same goal that you've had all along? I do.
Do you know what it's like to try to give up? to want to give up so bad that you almost destroy your chances of every achieving that goal? Because you're so tired of not having control? Because your mind and your heart hurt so much from trying so hard constantly? I do.
I guess I'm writing this to feel something different. Secretly hoping as my emotions bleed out into words that I might rid myself of any emotion I've felt before. Maybe magically it will make it all go away. It will make it so I will start fresh. I'll be that person that everyone else sees and these feeling won't matter anymore.
Feelings, emotions...just to name a few. Hopeless, inadequate, alone, conflicted, irritated, sad, discontent, frustration, sorrow. It's funny as I list them I realize that they aren't logical emotions. I realize that those are emotions that others try to take away by saying things like "i love you" "I'm praying for you" "I'm here when you need me" "please don't be sad" ...do they realize how shallow those words are? Do they realize how empty they sound? Do they know?
I know this sounds horrible. I'm sorry if it alarms anyone. It's just an in the moment feeling.

Sarah Bareilles, Gravity. Just one of those songs...

Somethin' always brings me back to you
it never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
Still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch,
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much,
to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free
Leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am
And I stand so Tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be.

But,you're on to me and all over me.

Oh,You loved me cause I'm fragile.
I thought that I was strong.
But you touched me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free,
leave me be,
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me
and all over me.

I live here on my knees
as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need
here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe
though i can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keepin' me
down.

You're keepin' me down.

You're on to me, on to me, and all over.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes to long...

If You Judge People You Have No Time to Love Them

Tonight was the General Relief Society Broadcast. It happens once every other year, always the weekend before General Conference. I always look forward to it.

For those of you who don't know, the Relief Society is an all woman's organization. It's actually the largest woman's organization in the world. It stretches across the world in over 170 nations. It is affiliated, and is part of the religious practice, of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons). It's amazing.

During this broadcast we are able to hear from the Prophet on the earth today. As of now, this is Thomas S. Monson. He spoke on charity tonight. He shared this quote from Mother Teresa, which is now the title of this blog:

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them"

It struck me in about five different ways all at once. I am speaking of just one at this time.

We have to love. It is a necessity and a natural instinct for all women, everywhere. A thought crossed my mind as I pondered this...we have to love ourselves. If we don't realize who we are and what we are sent here to do it is impossible for us to fulfill the mission we have been given to be charitable. We, in order to be filled with compassion, have to know the love our Savior has for us. After all, charity is the pure love of Christ.

Charity Never Faileth.

That's the Relief Society's theme. It's kind of a loaded sentence. President Monson said that Charity, to him, is the opposite of criticism and judgment. We, as humans, judge and criticize mercilessly. We view different as bad, obnoxious, annoying, etc. We see others as less than or more than ourselves. Yet, these judgments we make in our minds on a daily basis are some of the most incorrect assumptions on the face of the planet. They are only what we create in our own minds. We each see the world around us in completely different lights. Our reality is not the next persons. We are all different.

He shared a story, a true story, about a woman who had a boarding house across from a hospital. She used to keep outpatients there. One night an elderly man with a swollen, red face came to her door. Her rooms were all filled. She spoke with the man, he had been looking for a room since noon that day. He had been turned away by all others. He offered to even sleep in a rocking chair. Her husband set him up a cot. He left the next morning, refusing breakfast, thanking them for their kindness. Throughout the years of his treatment for his face, he came back to the inn and stayed, each time bringing a gift. Sometimes he would send them packages with gifts for their kindness to him. A neighbor, who had turned the man away, told the woman she was most likely losing business by letting people who looked like him in. The woman just thought to herself, if they only knew him.

It's what is inside each of us that counts. Nobody but God Himself knows what is truly in us. Let Him be the judge.

Have charity...it never faileth.

Her Eyes Met Mine, and I've Never Seen Such Windows Into Heaven

Have you ever had the opportunity to sit and look into a newborn baby's eyes?

I've had a lot on my mind lately and came home from a long commute of thinking about all the things that I had been avoiding the whole day in order to keep it together at work. I was expecting to go to a ward activity with a good friend of mine and instead I walked into a home with two rambunctious toddlers, a decently content newborn, and one very sick Sister-in-law. Sara sat down to take her temperature and it was a whopping 102, which for a nursing mom is never good...never really good for anyone. She sat up awhile, I got a pizza for dinner, and then I took the baby and sent her to bed.

After wrangling the older two and having scriptures and prayers and getting ready for bed and singing songs and getting cups...I was sitting quietly rocking the newborn, Kaylee, and enjoying the most peace that I had in weeks. She was hungry, I gave her a bottle, she finished it off and as I pulled it away her eyes met mine. Usually newborns' eyes don't really have a lot to say. They just aren't that expressive at two weeks old. But, tonight it was different. Her eyes met mine and I've never seen such windows to Heaven before. It was as if I could see the excitement, the love, the happiness, the joy and any other emotion you could possibly think of being there, and it all came from that tiny baby's eyes.

I sat there with her staring at me, me staring back at her, for a few minutes. I felt more love from that little Kaylee girl than I have from anyone or anywhere for a long while.

The words of Amazing Grace come to mind when I think of how I might express the feelings which flooded over me in those few moments. "I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see".

There is a Heaven. In that Heaven there is a Father and His Son. They love us more than we will ever comprehend. They are perfect, in Them we can become such,and only in Them. It is our choice to turn towards or away from them. Sometimes that choice as simple as it always is, seems as if it may be the hardest decision we will ever have to face. All I know is that life is hard no matter what we choose. If we choose to do it with Him, sometimes we get fleeting moments where we are on top of the world and we realize that although it is hard, it is right. If we choose to turn away we fall. This fall is always easy, always long, and always hurts in the end no matter the thrill that comes on the way down.

I am Yours

So, I came home from work the other day and my niece, Aurora, who is two years old, climbed in my lap and looked up at me with her big blue eyes and said, "Many I your squishy". This, if you know her, is what she says almost every day when I walk in the door from work. It's a nickname I gave her when she was a newborn because her cheeks were so big! I looked back down at her and said, "yes, you are my squishy, and I love you!" She then pulled out the book, 'You are Special'.

I read it to her. Most of you are familiar with the story. A wooden doll doesn't realize his potential or value or worth because nobody around him does. He goes to see the wood worker, his maker, and realizes that he is special because he was made by this wood worker.

The application to the gospel is obvious, but sometimes the most obvious things in life sometimes get overlooked the most. Plenty of people prove this every day.

I had tears in my eyes as I read the line, "you are special, because you are mine". How many times does our Father in Heaven tell us this throughout the scriptures? Throughout our days? Through those around us?

I began to think of the worth I am told I possess. I pondered on how incomprehensible the love my God has for me. He is my FATHER. I am HIS. How amazing is that?

I watch the way my parents love me, and care for me, and are concerned for me. It never ceases to amaze me that after all the wretched things I have done to them, they still love me as if I were perfect. They guide me at 25 almost more than they did at 2. They are there when I'm happy, sad, frustrated, and any emotion in between. They are righteous, kind, and loving parents. I watch them do this and then realize that there is a Father I have who loves me even more fully, even more intensely. I cannot fully grasp it. Yet, even the thought of it literally brings tears to my eyes.

I am special because I am HIS.

There will most likely be more on this thought to come. Just had to get this much out on 'paper'.