Warning, You Might Not Like What You Hear.

Life is hard.
I find that my biggest mistake so far is thinking that it's going to get easier.
I've done a lot of things in my short life here. Some of them good and others not so good, some which are down right evil.

I've had to do a lot of soul searching this past year. I keep waiting for me to figure it all out. I keep waiting for that point in time where I know who I am, and I'm in love with who I am and I have no question about where I want to go, what I want to do in life, etc. I want thtat point in life where I'm certain that I've made the right choices and I'm just there, existing, happy every day just to be me. I keep thinking that moment will come when I'm married, have a family, a husband with a good job, a descent home to live in, etc. That's what I see as a real life. A successful life. Yet, I find myself in a completely different and almost opposite situation.

I'm a 25 year old girl. I got broken up with by a man who could have very easily been the love of my life. All of my friends, save a small handful, are married to the love of their lives. I on the other hand feel that I am almost being forced to live mine alone. Yes, I know. I have a wonderful family. I'm lucky to have a good job. I have "potential" "ambition". I'm "pretty" "outgoing" blah blah blah etc etc etc. Here's the problem that I find with any and all of these "comforting" things...it isn't what I want. It isn't what I've been taught can even remotely bring me happiness. I know that none of it will bring me to that peaceful point where I feel comfort and purpose and fulfillment.

I'm a 25 year old girl. I am alone while being surrounded by hundreds of people every day. I'm isolated among friends.

Do you know what it's like to literally have one desire in life? Do you know what it's like to yearn for something so much that you would do almost anything to obtain it? Do you know the strive, the heartache, the pain that goes into that yearning? I do.
Do you know what it is like to have no control whatsoever as to when that goal is to be obtained? Do you know what it's like to done everything that is in your power to reach that goal and then have your dreams crushed over and over again as you see others obtaining that very same goal that you've had all along? I do.
Do you know what it's like to try to give up? to want to give up so bad that you almost destroy your chances of every achieving that goal? Because you're so tired of not having control? Because your mind and your heart hurt so much from trying so hard constantly? I do.
I guess I'm writing this to feel something different. Secretly hoping as my emotions bleed out into words that I might rid myself of any emotion I've felt before. Maybe magically it will make it all go away. It will make it so I will start fresh. I'll be that person that everyone else sees and these feeling won't matter anymore.
Feelings, emotions...just to name a few. Hopeless, inadequate, alone, conflicted, irritated, sad, discontent, frustration, sorrow. It's funny as I list them I realize that they aren't logical emotions. I realize that those are emotions that others try to take away by saying things like "i love you" "I'm praying for you" "I'm here when you need me" "please don't be sad" ...do they realize how shallow those words are? Do they realize how empty they sound? Do they know?
I know this sounds horrible. I'm sorry if it alarms anyone. It's just an in the moment feeling.