Day 1/2 of "The Cleanse"

Ok, So we don't have a juicer in the house :( BUT we do have a blender and I am using that as much as possible. Dinner time so far is the hardest, mom just makes such yummy things to eat! All in all I am eating much healthier.

I have posed a ot of questions to myself in my head this past couple of days. One of which is HOW to accomplish all of this change in my life, and ALL AT ONCE! It is hard!

I have a great friend, David, who I have known for about 4 years now and has been one of my best friends pretty much since the first time I met him, became my dance partner in college, and even though we live a couple thousand miles away from each other, is still one o the people I turn to in any time of need. In a few minutes I am going to have a conversation and he is going to enlighten me further on this subject of HOW to accomplish my goals. Something he has already told me is to just choose to do it. I understand that it is that "simple" to just choose to change...but it isn't a blink of the eye kind of change that I imagine when I think of just choosing to do something and doing it. It's kind of a difficult concept to put into practice, hence the conversation I am going to have with him. Nonetheless, it is good, sound advice and I am sure as I understand it further it will become even greater advice.

Another something, which I actually learned in Sunday School, thank you Brother Randall and Amber Smith, is that when we create change in our lives and decide to cease doing some things there HAS to be a replacement for those things. We have to fill the void in our life. Obviously whatever that something is, which we choose to put into our life must be more constructive and beneficial than the thing we deleted, or else we are digressing.

"The Cleanse" is not about digression, it is about progression.

I figure it would be productive to make a list of some sort for ideas of how to fill the voids.

The List:

crafting
refinish my bedroom furniture
crochet Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews
Christmas service advent calendar
find somewhere to volunteer
Read more
bake
cook
find ways to help mom and dad around the house
spend time with Grandma
call friends I haven't talked to in a long time
Write letters to missionaries
etc...

I'm sure this is an ongoing project :)

10 Day Cleanse

Well, I am home once again. Lived in Texas for about 6 weeks, couldn't find a job that I wanted, had a great time, met a great friend whom I am sure I'll keep for a long time, and felt like it was the best thing to do to come home to Virginia.

It's been interesting since I got here. I don't feel that it is good or bad really, I'm just here. As I pondered on that feeling I realized that wasn't necessarily where I wanted to be with my emotions. I thought about ways that would enhance my days in order to make them better, to make me better, etc. A lot of thoughts but no decisions were coming. Then, one night, while I was looking for something to watch on Hulu, I came across a documentary. It was entitled "Sick, Fat, and Half Way Dead". It was a man who discovered he had an autoimmune disease. He went on a 62 day juice cleansing diet. Most people aren't as extreme as a case as he is so they normally do it in 10 days.

The more I watched and thought about the effects it had on him physically, I was also impressed with the emotional effects. At the end I sat and thought about other aspects of life. I realized that a 10 day cleanse wouldn't be bad in a lot of ways, so I'm going to try it! My own 10 day cleanse.

I'm going to hit different categories with this...

1. Health: Sleep schedule, nutrition, exersize
Sleep Schedule- in bed by 11 and up by 8 every day
Nutrition- 10 days of nothing but natural liquids and after whole foods and natural foods only
Exercise- run every day, lift weights 3-5 times a week

2. Time Management: Facebook, Limited technology, Crafts, Reading, Cooking/Baking
Facebook-sworn off of it for 2 weeks after which I will only sign on once a week for 3 months (the app is off of my phone and my account is disabled already)
Limited Technology- television for no more than 1 hour a day, Computer use strictly for looking for a job, finding ways to cook/clean/crat
Crafts- List of what I want to do and DO IT! Plan them out
Reading- One book a month!
Cooking/baking- enhance the talents I already possess and share with others!

3. Spirituality: (The most important of them all) Scriptures, prayers, pondering, meditation, fulfilling callings
Scriptures- Read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, Old Testament with the family and in institute, Study conference talks from he Ensign
Prayers- heartfelt, honest communication with God instead of repetitions
Pondering/Meditation- Think of the things I am doing with life, plan, recognize my choices are mine and realize the effect they have on those around me

All in All- BE the person I want to BE instead of the person I am now.

I'll keep you updated :) After all this is going to be the only "social" website I'm on for awhile!

You are my Romeo. My forbidden love.

Romeo comes into Juliet's life, sweeping her off her feet. He says all of the right things, does all of the right things, treats her as the queen she should be treated as. He means it. It is his truth, his reality.

You came into my life and swept me off my feet. I have never been treated so kind. I've never had someone love me so much. You said all the right things. You meant them.

If I were to continue to love you there would be disappointment. There would be heartbreak elsewhere. So I love you from a distance. A star-crossed lover.

We could choose to be together. We could love in "death" as did they. You wouldn't allow it. I was ready.

You are my forbidden love. My Romeo.

"To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved at all"

Do you ever have those nights/days/months/years where everything seems to be hard?
I'm pretty sure it has been that way for me the last little while.

Before you go judging and telling me that I should "get over" it, hear me out. Either that, or stop reading my blog. I don't know if you've noticed but this blog is MY blog. It's like a window to my heart and soul. It is on paper, what I am at that moment. Sorry if you don't like it or feel like I should be a different way.

I have lived in Utah for a year this month. I look back at the past year with a little bit of animosity. I lived with my brother and sister-in-law's family for a few months while looking for a job. I found a job, though underpaid, in my field which I loved. I worked with troubled teenage girls. I learned a lot about them, about myself, and about life. At that time I found an apartment in Murray and moved there with my best friend Anna. It was a great time and a hard time. She was dating someone, we were both working at the same place. I felt very lost and confused. Trying to find your spot in the world is kind of a large and daunting task to be confronted with. It overwhelmed me to a point where I became very overwhelmed.

A couple of months later we lost our jobs, at the same time, due to downsizing of the company. Anna and Buck were engaged at this point. They found an apartment in Orem, I moved in with my brother's family in Springville, again, and I don't think I ever felt so alone in my life.

After about two months of it I met a wonderful guy. He swept me off my feet. He flattered me. He built me up in a ton of ways. He made me feel happy. It was a blissful few weeks. Then he broke my heart. He did it for good reasons. It was for the best, I'm sure. Yet, it left me feeling more broken and alone than I had before.

I moved to Provo with a friend. I am in a great ward. I still feel quite a bit alone. I have been on 1 date since my heart was broken, 6 months ago. To tell you the truth the desire to date is just now creeping back into my life. I have a full-time job, not in my field, that is very thankless but pays well enough that I can support myself. I see it as a great blessing.

The point is that I hated this year all in all. It was mean and cruel to me in a lot of ways. I feel left behind, forgotten, lost. I know this isn't right and I'm not proclaiming that it is. I am just saying that in general for the past year this is how I have felt.

Some of you might claim that it is because of my attitude towards life. You might be right. The thing is that I have tried to change it and it seems like every time I do, I get this HUGE smack across my face. It knocks me to the ground and I land on my face and bust my nose open. Then I'm walking around with a busted nose and a black eye and it takes time to heal from that. Then as soon as it is healed, I get smacked down again.

I feel like those close friend I've had my whole life don't really remember what that feels like. They don't seem to remember the pain that comes with that fall, the healing even more so sometimes. Which is good, because maybe I will forget it all too after I am married. Until then, though, it hurts like hell. A problem I run into with it is that I am also getting older. I don't have as much time or effort that can be put into this healing process. Yet, it also seems as if the older you are the longer it takes.

I know, I know. I am a Debbi Downer. Life isn't as bad as I think it is. I should be counting my blessings and baking cookies. Most of you who are thinking to yourself right now that I need to pull my head out and move on, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, even if you think you do.

Just a brief spec of life.

It's been awhile.

A lot has happened, and honestly...I don't really feel like talking about it. Instead I'm leaving that all behind me and looking at the here and now.

I received tragic news this weekend. My former boss/friend/mentor from BYU Idaho passed away in a motorcycle accident this weekend. He was an amazing man. When I say amazing, I mean Christ-like. He continually had an intuition about others. What they needed, how they were doing, etc. He had a glow about him. He LIVED the gospel. His eldest son, not an active member of the church, said, referring to the gospel, "it meant everything to him". It makes you stop and think, what does it mean to me?

I don't have the light in me like he did, but I will.

I've also been longing for summer. I'm a happier, healthier, prettier person during the summer. I think most people are. Sun-kissed and barely wearing clothes. It's the way everything is supposed to be. We aren't meant to be pale, chubby creatures hidden in layers and layers of cotton and wool. It's unnatural.

I am currently looking for new employment also. I like who I work with/for and I hate what I do. Well, I don't hate it, it's just super monotonous and boring. I want to work with youth. I would love to be some kind of a coordinator for EFY or some other camp-like program. That would be amazing.

That's about what is going on in my mind right now. Life is pretty boring.