I’m lying here in my bed, not able to sleep. My mind can’t fathom the thought of rest at this point. The only thing in it is you. I am trying to figure out why that might be the case. I care for you, I know that much to be true, yet, I care for many people. Why are you different? What makes you special? I think about you and the heartache and the hardship in your life; the “what if’s” and wishes that have come to pass. I wonder if I can ever be enough to make them disappear. I fantasize of what our lives would be like if I were able to accomplish that daunting task. In the end, my thoughts always return to my feelings towards you.
I say I care for you, but what do I really mean by this? It’s more than I have been able to express. Even in my own mind these feelings are still mere ramblings. I hope to make a little bit of sense now, here, on paper.
You’ve come into my life at a time that I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. I was at a point where my plans had failed me. I had no desire to make any more goals and was willing to give up many I had already. I was unable to see over the horizon, on to the next adventure. I was, as I call it, “broken”, and had no idea how to “fix” myself. It’s been a whirlwind so far, you and I. Most whirlwinds come because of dangerous storms surrounding them, they leave things obliterated. Our whirlwind doesn’t feel like that. Maybe I need a better word to describe the fleeting feelings I have when I am with you and the deep admiration I have for who you are and who you can become, this unbreakable confidence you give me and the desire to be something again. There is so much happening all at once and I have a difficult time focusing on one emotion, feeling, or thought. I guess if I were to pick something to describe what I feel between us it would be a little like this:
A sunrise over a calm mountain lake, the silence unbroken except by the sounds of boat docks rocking. The excitement felt within your lungs as the cool, crisp morning air touches them. In a moment, as you look over the almost fluorescently bright colors across the water, you recognize you don’t belong. You are an intruder. The yearning in your stomach to change the pain that comes with this realization hits you. You aren’t a part of the natural beauty which surrounds you, the only true desire you have is to become one with everything in your grasp. Your only conscious thought is that you will never be fully part of this majestic scene unless it opens its arms and accepts you. This acceptance can come as the beauty itself expects you to be there, a part of it. You can’t force it; you sit and wait patiently, hoping that at any moment this miracle may happen. You let the silence engulf you. You wait, almost motionless, desiring this stillness to be the key to your success. The yearning grows stronger inside of you. You are able to feel, literally, every inch of your being reaching out in agony as the desire grows. Your mind wanders to a new place. A notion you haven’t felt before comes. Maybe, you are part of it already. Maybe your beauty, unseen as it may be, completes the one you are seeing by. The surroundings themselves recognize only partially how true this completion may be. Yes, patience, patience is the key to this impossible dream becoming a reality.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Becoming
When do you "become" something?
This thought started as an inkling last night while I was on the phone with a dear friend of mine who is beginning a long trek back to where he belongs. I knew him as a missionary. He was maybe not the "best" missionary I knew, but he served with love, compassion, and desire...In my book add a little bit more obedience and everything would be perfect. That was his vice, we all have our own, don't pretend like you don't.
He came home from his mission and was distracted by the "shiny" things of the world. Easily done. Then, he became. I don't know when this takes place, or if it is a moment in time, but it happens. We all are constantly "becoming" something. Whether it is the normal physical transitions from child to teen to adult, or it is something of a spiritual matter, mentally, etc. He was becoming a wrestler and a college student. In turn he became a part of a team, a frat house, a partier. It's easy to look back and see the path he has walked and etched into the world. This all came crashing when he found himself maybe becoming an unwed father. He had to stop wrestling, losing his scholarships, dropping out of college because he couldn't afford it any longer, and found a full-time job at a prison. In a matter of days he became something completely different than what he was, or ever had been.
Some, at this point in the story, might look at this and passively say "what a waste of potential" "how sad" "if only" ...and all those pitiful sayings we use to cover up our true emotions toward something. Yet, he is still becoming, this isn't the end of the story...not yet. He started to attend his church meetings again, he felt something inside as he did and decided to meet with his bishop, he was directed to his stake president, and then had a disciplinary counsel. The counsel decided that he should attend his family ward, he should date members, and he should continue on his path for 6 months until they meet again.
Last night I spoke to this friend for a couple of hours. We caught up on everything in life. I do this periodically with this friend, probably once a month sometimes once every other month. Last night's conversation was the first time in a long time that he was the one to bring the gospel into play with questions I was asking. He's the one who made a spiritual connection to the way I was feeling about my life.
He is becoming. Becoming something of the man that God expects him to be. Becoming softer, kinder, gentler, more loving, caring, spiritually minded, focused, etc.
That's where this thought started. When do we become?
I came to work today, the only one in the office for most of the day, and passed by a mirror. I stopped and looked at myself, at first to make sure I didn't look absolutely horrible, then I realized that I am not that teenage girl that I usually think of myself as in my mind. I have become. I am a woman now, it startled me, which sounds humorous considering I am twenty-five and just now realizing that I am a woman. But it's true. It startled me.
I searched my face for a moment for what exactly changed, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my skin, etc. Really, not much has changed.
I realized something in that moment, it's my countenance. What's on the outside of me is basically the same as it was two years ago, but what's inside me is what has changed. I don't even know how, or what, but I do know it has. That's what has made me a "woman". I became.
I wish I had some profound conclusion, an answer to the question, but I do not. I don't understand this concept. It's almost the same as growth. It happens, we don't know when and we surely don't know why. One day, we wake up and we have morphed into something that we were not before, whether it is for the better or for the worse.
I guess all I can do right now is make sure that as I am "becoming" whatever it may be that I am, it is something that my Lord wants me to become, rather than falling prey to the "shiny" things of the world.
This thought started as an inkling last night while I was on the phone with a dear friend of mine who is beginning a long trek back to where he belongs. I knew him as a missionary. He was maybe not the "best" missionary I knew, but he served with love, compassion, and desire...In my book add a little bit more obedience and everything would be perfect. That was his vice, we all have our own, don't pretend like you don't.
He came home from his mission and was distracted by the "shiny" things of the world. Easily done. Then, he became. I don't know when this takes place, or if it is a moment in time, but it happens. We all are constantly "becoming" something. Whether it is the normal physical transitions from child to teen to adult, or it is something of a spiritual matter, mentally, etc. He was becoming a wrestler and a college student. In turn he became a part of a team, a frat house, a partier. It's easy to look back and see the path he has walked and etched into the world. This all came crashing when he found himself maybe becoming an unwed father. He had to stop wrestling, losing his scholarships, dropping out of college because he couldn't afford it any longer, and found a full-time job at a prison. In a matter of days he became something completely different than what he was, or ever had been.
Some, at this point in the story, might look at this and passively say "what a waste of potential" "how sad" "if only" ...and all those pitiful sayings we use to cover up our true emotions toward something. Yet, he is still becoming, this isn't the end of the story...not yet. He started to attend his church meetings again, he felt something inside as he did and decided to meet with his bishop, he was directed to his stake president, and then had a disciplinary counsel. The counsel decided that he should attend his family ward, he should date members, and he should continue on his path for 6 months until they meet again.
Last night I spoke to this friend for a couple of hours. We caught up on everything in life. I do this periodically with this friend, probably once a month sometimes once every other month. Last night's conversation was the first time in a long time that he was the one to bring the gospel into play with questions I was asking. He's the one who made a spiritual connection to the way I was feeling about my life.
He is becoming. Becoming something of the man that God expects him to be. Becoming softer, kinder, gentler, more loving, caring, spiritually minded, focused, etc.
That's where this thought started. When do we become?
I came to work today, the only one in the office for most of the day, and passed by a mirror. I stopped and looked at myself, at first to make sure I didn't look absolutely horrible, then I realized that I am not that teenage girl that I usually think of myself as in my mind. I have become. I am a woman now, it startled me, which sounds humorous considering I am twenty-five and just now realizing that I am a woman. But it's true. It startled me.
I searched my face for a moment for what exactly changed, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my skin, etc. Really, not much has changed.
I realized something in that moment, it's my countenance. What's on the outside of me is basically the same as it was two years ago, but what's inside me is what has changed. I don't even know how, or what, but I do know it has. That's what has made me a "woman". I became.
I wish I had some profound conclusion, an answer to the question, but I do not. I don't understand this concept. It's almost the same as growth. It happens, we don't know when and we surely don't know why. One day, we wake up and we have morphed into something that we were not before, whether it is for the better or for the worse.
I guess all I can do right now is make sure that as I am "becoming" whatever it may be that I am, it is something that my Lord wants me to become, rather than falling prey to the "shiny" things of the world.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I Want to Be A Spotlight
So, I had this rad conversation with my cousin/bestie Carrie the other day. It got me thinking about a new metaphor for what I want to be like. Now I am going to try to eloquently explain it.
We hear about the Light of Christ, how we are supposed to emulate Christ, and how each of us has our own light to shine in front of the whole world. We have been told by prophets of old as well as prophets in these days that if we fail to let our lights shine before the world we aren't fulfilling our duty. So, here's the thing...I feel like my light was shining brighter and stronger at an earlier point in my life.
When I was twenty years old, I was a student at BYU-Idaho along with my best friends. We were all extreme lights to the world. We owned the world in our palms. We knew exactly who we were, what we were doing, and where we were going. We were happy, healthy, and had fun almost non-stop. I want to be that Mandy again, only older and wiser from experience.
With that bit of a background and introduction, Carrie and I were talking about how we used to be those vibrant lights to all those around us and how we would like to become those lights again. I told her, without thinking much about it, that I would like to be a spotlight. This, in turn, stayed on my mind (partially because she wrote about it on her blog). I want to be a spotlight, what does that mean? How do I make that happen? Spotlights are some of the brightest lights I have ever seen. They are made to make people stand out, usually while displaying an amazing talent/ability given to them. They are a solid, constant, consistent light. They can be changed to focus on one or various people. Sometimes, spotlights can even change color. Let's apply all of these facts into how each of us can become a spotlight.
We have to be bright. It seems a common metaphor to compare the human being with a candle flame. I thought about wanting to be like a bonfire, but then I realized that when you have a bonfire next to a candle, the candle's flame doesn't seem to exist, or seems very small. I don't want to be powerful and make others lights not shine as bright, or become unnoticeable. Spotlights, most of the time brighter than bonfires, are also a different kind of light. A spotlight could actually be used to help a candle flame become more noticeable because of this difference. Its light will not lessen or diminish the value of the candle flame. I want to do this for other people. I want to make who they are more noticeable. I want to be as bright as I possibly can be while helping others create more of an impact too. I want to help people display their own talents and abilities, never drown them out.
I want to be a spotlight rather than a flame because spotlights are constant and consistent. They are giving the same amount of light the whole time they are on. They don't vary according to the wind, rain, smog, sun, etc. They are the same no matter where they are or what they are around. As long as a spotlight is shining they are at full power. My desire is to be a stronghold such as a spotlight. Reliable, sturdy, constant, etc. It's important to do this in order to accomplish the first desire of being a spotlight.
Spotlights can be different sizes and colors. I think this comes into play when a person is able to be put into any situation, comfortable or not, and still be what they need to be. I want to be adaptable enough that no matter what situation I find myself in, I can become comfortable with who I am in that situation. I also still want to be a spotlight in any situation I find myself in.
This is a metaphor that is a work in progress, but I feel like it is going well so far. I want to be a spotlight. That's all I want to be. I want to be happy, outgoing, fun, and confident. I want to be that twenty year old me with more experience and more wisdom, but the same vibrancy. I will accomplish this goal.
We hear about the Light of Christ, how we are supposed to emulate Christ, and how each of us has our own light to shine in front of the whole world. We have been told by prophets of old as well as prophets in these days that if we fail to let our lights shine before the world we aren't fulfilling our duty. So, here's the thing...I feel like my light was shining brighter and stronger at an earlier point in my life.
When I was twenty years old, I was a student at BYU-Idaho along with my best friends. We were all extreme lights to the world. We owned the world in our palms. We knew exactly who we were, what we were doing, and where we were going. We were happy, healthy, and had fun almost non-stop. I want to be that Mandy again, only older and wiser from experience.
With that bit of a background and introduction, Carrie and I were talking about how we used to be those vibrant lights to all those around us and how we would like to become those lights again. I told her, without thinking much about it, that I would like to be a spotlight. This, in turn, stayed on my mind (partially because she wrote about it on her blog). I want to be a spotlight, what does that mean? How do I make that happen? Spotlights are some of the brightest lights I have ever seen. They are made to make people stand out, usually while displaying an amazing talent/ability given to them. They are a solid, constant, consistent light. They can be changed to focus on one or various people. Sometimes, spotlights can even change color. Let's apply all of these facts into how each of us can become a spotlight.
We have to be bright. It seems a common metaphor to compare the human being with a candle flame. I thought about wanting to be like a bonfire, but then I realized that when you have a bonfire next to a candle, the candle's flame doesn't seem to exist, or seems very small. I don't want to be powerful and make others lights not shine as bright, or become unnoticeable. Spotlights, most of the time brighter than bonfires, are also a different kind of light. A spotlight could actually be used to help a candle flame become more noticeable because of this difference. Its light will not lessen or diminish the value of the candle flame. I want to do this for other people. I want to make who they are more noticeable. I want to be as bright as I possibly can be while helping others create more of an impact too. I want to help people display their own talents and abilities, never drown them out.
I want to be a spotlight rather than a flame because spotlights are constant and consistent. They are giving the same amount of light the whole time they are on. They don't vary according to the wind, rain, smog, sun, etc. They are the same no matter where they are or what they are around. As long as a spotlight is shining they are at full power. My desire is to be a stronghold such as a spotlight. Reliable, sturdy, constant, etc. It's important to do this in order to accomplish the first desire of being a spotlight.
Spotlights can be different sizes and colors. I think this comes into play when a person is able to be put into any situation, comfortable or not, and still be what they need to be. I want to be adaptable enough that no matter what situation I find myself in, I can become comfortable with who I am in that situation. I also still want to be a spotlight in any situation I find myself in.
This is a metaphor that is a work in progress, but I feel like it is going well so far. I want to be a spotlight. That's all I want to be. I want to be happy, outgoing, fun, and confident. I want to be that twenty year old me with more experience and more wisdom, but the same vibrancy. I will accomplish this goal.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
To the Heroes in My Life, and All Others in Existance.
This time of year has become somewhat important to me throughout my life. It all started when I was a little kid. It was an extra day off of school just as the sun was coming out, the weather was warming up, and the pools were opening. I remember begging my mom to let us jump into the pool in the barely seventy degree weather. Then begging her to let me and a cousin ride our bikes to the 7-ll down the main road from where we live to buy the most amazing summer treat, a slurpee. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.
These few days grew more important to me as I learned the meaning of Memorial day and why we got those magnificent days off. We are a unique country in our history and our present. There are many lives and loved ones which have been sacrificed throughout the years on our behalf. We have freedoms like nowhere else in this existence of ours. It was given to us by those sacrifices, those martyrs, those who are true heroes.
When I was seven my little sister, Mary Beth, was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. It is a childhood cancer somewhat like Leukemia. She lived until she was seven years old, four years later. She is a miracle in my life. Some wonder how that could be, considering the fact that she has passed from this life into the next. The truth is that she was able to defy many odds. She wasn't supposed to live as long as she did, and her attitude through it all was remarkable. She continually exemplified what it means to be happy in our troubles and despairs. As a five year old little girl she understood what it meant to have faith in God. There was a spirit of contenment with her situation which she carried to all those around her. She became a hero to me and to many others through this process. It's only fitting that when she finally returned home to her Father in Heaven she did it on a weekend which is already celebrated for so many heroes in this world. I only wish I could be closer to her physical grave at this time in order to pay the respects I know she deserves.
My thoughts also turn to my mother and father. They are such amazing people. I am so lucky and honored to have them in my life and be able to call them my parents. I don't believe they truly understand or grasp what they have given to me, nor how much of an effect they had on helping Mary Beth be the person she was here on this earth, and I am sure that she is in Heaven. They are my unsung heroes, which I whope one day will understand the reverence I have for them.
I am now sitting on my front porch, conveniently overlooking a cemetary. All day long I have been intrigued by the presence of so many different people paying tribute to those who they love and care for. American flags speckle the ground a gift to those who have given it their all. Flowers are in bloom on almost every grave. As I watch and admire their beauty in full bloom, children run and play, as the elderly stop and ponder a moment upon certain graves. I'm sure they are pondering not only the lives of those who ahve been lost, but their own, and the future lives of the children which they bring with them.
What a legacy we have. What an enormous responsibility to keep it going. I love this country, I love those who built it for me. To the heroes in my life, and the heroes in all others' lives out there. Thank you, and God bless.
These few days grew more important to me as I learned the meaning of Memorial day and why we got those magnificent days off. We are a unique country in our history and our present. There are many lives and loved ones which have been sacrificed throughout the years on our behalf. We have freedoms like nowhere else in this existence of ours. It was given to us by those sacrifices, those martyrs, those who are true heroes.
When I was seven my little sister, Mary Beth, was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma. It is a childhood cancer somewhat like Leukemia. She lived until she was seven years old, four years later. She is a miracle in my life. Some wonder how that could be, considering the fact that she has passed from this life into the next. The truth is that she was able to defy many odds. She wasn't supposed to live as long as she did, and her attitude through it all was remarkable. She continually exemplified what it means to be happy in our troubles and despairs. As a five year old little girl she understood what it meant to have faith in God. There was a spirit of contenment with her situation which she carried to all those around her. She became a hero to me and to many others through this process. It's only fitting that when she finally returned home to her Father in Heaven she did it on a weekend which is already celebrated for so many heroes in this world. I only wish I could be closer to her physical grave at this time in order to pay the respects I know she deserves.
My thoughts also turn to my mother and father. They are such amazing people. I am so lucky and honored to have them in my life and be able to call them my parents. I don't believe they truly understand or grasp what they have given to me, nor how much of an effect they had on helping Mary Beth be the person she was here on this earth, and I am sure that she is in Heaven. They are my unsung heroes, which I whope one day will understand the reverence I have for them.
I am now sitting on my front porch, conveniently overlooking a cemetary. All day long I have been intrigued by the presence of so many different people paying tribute to those who they love and care for. American flags speckle the ground a gift to those who have given it their all. Flowers are in bloom on almost every grave. As I watch and admire their beauty in full bloom, children run and play, as the elderly stop and ponder a moment upon certain graves. I'm sure they are pondering not only the lives of those who ahve been lost, but their own, and the future lives of the children which they bring with them.
What a legacy we have. What an enormous responsibility to keep it going. I love this country, I love those who built it for me. To the heroes in my life, and the heroes in all others' lives out there. Thank you, and God bless.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Atonement of Jesus Christ
I have this picture a dear friend gave to me hanging on my wall. On the left there is a man holding His hand out, reaching for something. He is bearded with kind and loving eyes. His eyes pierce your soul, even from a picture. On the right another man, also bearded, with eyes which seem to say "I can't do it... at least not alone! I need help!". His hand is almost reaching, more like rising to a position of reaching. He almost has hesitation in his movement. In between the two is a stormy, clouded sky with rays of light shining between the clouds, onto waves of water with two men standing on top of the water. The man on the left is our Savior, the man on the right, Peter, His disciple.
Walking on water must not have been an easy task, but it was simple. Peter, even being a strong man could not accomplish this simple task on his own. He needed his Savior to help.
This picture is a representation of the Savior's Atonement for me. It shows us attributes our Savior possess to prove that He is the Son of God and a Perfect being. This story of Peter becomes a parable to our lives, and to the Atonement.
Peter sees Christ on the water, and calls to Him. Christ beckons Peter to come forward onto the water. With faith Peter walks on water. Peter recognizes the storms around him and begins to sink. Peter cries for the Lord and the Lord reaches out to lift Peter up.
We see Christ. We have a desire to come closer to Him. Christ wants us to come to Him, He is continually calling to us. We must have the faith to walk on water to reach Him. As we act in faith, sometimes, we fall, we begin to sink. We see life or mortality as hard. It's too much to handle. We fall into temptations of physical, mental, emotional pleasures. We sink. We must call out to our Savior for help. We must so that He can reach for us.
Elder Holland has said that Christ has descended below all so that no matter how far we fall He can be there to lift us back up.
Christ is there to lift us as we ask for Him to.
He is there to lift us, our Savior, our Redeemer, our Brother, and our Friend.
He is the Son of God, the Only Begotten, the Prince of Peace. He loves us. We must show our love to Him by living His gospel to the fullest and by leaning on the saving powers of His Atonement.
Through His grace we shall be saved.
Walking on water must not have been an easy task, but it was simple. Peter, even being a strong man could not accomplish this simple task on his own. He needed his Savior to help.
This picture is a representation of the Savior's Atonement for me. It shows us attributes our Savior possess to prove that He is the Son of God and a Perfect being. This story of Peter becomes a parable to our lives, and to the Atonement.
Peter sees Christ on the water, and calls to Him. Christ beckons Peter to come forward onto the water. With faith Peter walks on water. Peter recognizes the storms around him and begins to sink. Peter cries for the Lord and the Lord reaches out to lift Peter up.
We see Christ. We have a desire to come closer to Him. Christ wants us to come to Him, He is continually calling to us. We must have the faith to walk on water to reach Him. As we act in faith, sometimes, we fall, we begin to sink. We see life or mortality as hard. It's too much to handle. We fall into temptations of physical, mental, emotional pleasures. We sink. We must call out to our Savior for help. We must so that He can reach for us.
Elder Holland has said that Christ has descended below all so that no matter how far we fall He can be there to lift us back up.
Christ is there to lift us as we ask for Him to.
He is there to lift us, our Savior, our Redeemer, our Brother, and our Friend.
He is the Son of God, the Only Begotten, the Prince of Peace. He loves us. We must show our love to Him by living His gospel to the fullest and by leaning on the saving powers of His Atonement.
Through His grace we shall be saved.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Here is a LONG one for you...
Ok, well, it's Thanksgiving break. We have the whole week off. I'm still in Rexburg. It seems as much as I want to leave this place I can never get away. Randy and I went down to Utah this past Saturday. It was really nice, even if it was just for one day. I got to see some of my favorite people in the whole world, and introduce them to another one of my favorite people! I love it when that happens.
So, to update on what I wrote my last blog on... Starting with therapy and depression. I've had the opportunity to go and see a therapist on campus. He has diagnosed me with situational depression. Basically that means when life gets really stressful my body handles it as if I had depression. That's been really fun to deal with lately seeing as every part of my life that I have had comfortable for the past six years is about to disappear. Starting a new chapter in life is one of the most intriguing and yet stressful things that I could possibly do. I have flip-flopped back and forth SO much about what I am going to do after graduation. I was consistently stressed about it. Finally, after about six different decisions I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to go home for a couple of months. I figure that right now I have no money, no job, no place to live, etc. going home is one of the best things I could do. I haven't been home for more than a couple of weeks at a time for the past three years. I'm really excited to be with my family, and actually be able to be a part of their lives.
The next thing on the agenda is addiction. Anna went to a seminar on addictive minds. It was given by a neurosurgeon. He presented how there are physical and mental addictions. Physical addiction, as we all know, has effects on the brain which shrink the logical mind, thus making it so that a person can't make decisions logically. Mental addictions, the one in focus being pornography, do the exact same thing. Your mental state is literally changed. Even though you aren't putting a substance into your body it has the same effects. SO take that every person on this planet that says, "it isn't effecting anyone else, it's my own personal choice."
Speaking of people that I want to stick it to...Obama. Can we just talk about the absolutely ridiculous taxes that he is putting on the people, or "senate" is putting on the people. Mainly his soda tax. I am sure there are some good points about it...but it drives me crazy.
Obviously I have a bit of aggression. I've been looking for healthy ways to let it out, that one goes back to the therapist. I started fighting again. Lol I know what you're thinking, 'that's a healthy way to let it out?' Ya... this way it is! I swear! I go to a martial arts class once or twice a week and started boxing again, whenever I can find someone to do it with. It makes me so happy! The other night I got home and I was a lot happier than when I had left. Anna asked why and all I could think of was, "do you know how good it feels to punch someone as hard as you can, in the face?" Anyway, it's been great, and I'm getting back into shape with it.
And last but not least... My cousin Beth is in the hospital with double pneumonia. She is twenty-six, a smoker, and they found some kind of a lump in her lungs the other week. She took a turn for the worst the other day. They put her on a breathing machine. Her body was using the oxygen they were giving her to try to fight the machine. The doctors induced her into a coma when her fever spiked the other night. Now it's just waiting to see which way she goes. The doctor told my aunt that the symptoms she is showing are those that people in their seventies usually show. Basically she would be dead if she was old, but because she is young she is fighting it. The irony is that she needs that will for her to survive, but it is that same will that might kill her because she is fighting the machines. If she turns for the better she'll have a long road back to recovery. They say that she might even have to learn how to walk all over again. If she doesn't recover it will be a long process of slowly slipping into the arms of our Heavenly Father.
I'm not ready to lose her.
When my mom called me to tell me what was happening, all of the memories I have with Beth went through my mind. There are a lot of them. I lot of really good ones. They flashed like it was a movie reel. I only remember a couple of other times in my life where that happened. It is usually when things are coming to an end, which scares me...because I don't want it to end. I found myself calling my mom and finding out all the updates, standing in the campus bookstore, fighting back tears. I don't cry that often, usually, and absolutely not in public.
So, there it is for now...until next time, just pray as much as possible...it's the only thing that people can do.
So, to update on what I wrote my last blog on... Starting with therapy and depression. I've had the opportunity to go and see a therapist on campus. He has diagnosed me with situational depression. Basically that means when life gets really stressful my body handles it as if I had depression. That's been really fun to deal with lately seeing as every part of my life that I have had comfortable for the past six years is about to disappear. Starting a new chapter in life is one of the most intriguing and yet stressful things that I could possibly do. I have flip-flopped back and forth SO much about what I am going to do after graduation. I was consistently stressed about it. Finally, after about six different decisions I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to go home for a couple of months. I figure that right now I have no money, no job, no place to live, etc. going home is one of the best things I could do. I haven't been home for more than a couple of weeks at a time for the past three years. I'm really excited to be with my family, and actually be able to be a part of their lives.
The next thing on the agenda is addiction. Anna went to a seminar on addictive minds. It was given by a neurosurgeon. He presented how there are physical and mental addictions. Physical addiction, as we all know, has effects on the brain which shrink the logical mind, thus making it so that a person can't make decisions logically. Mental addictions, the one in focus being pornography, do the exact same thing. Your mental state is literally changed. Even though you aren't putting a substance into your body it has the same effects. SO take that every person on this planet that says, "it isn't effecting anyone else, it's my own personal choice."
Speaking of people that I want to stick it to...Obama. Can we just talk about the absolutely ridiculous taxes that he is putting on the people, or "senate" is putting on the people. Mainly his soda tax. I am sure there are some good points about it...but it drives me crazy.
Obviously I have a bit of aggression. I've been looking for healthy ways to let it out, that one goes back to the therapist. I started fighting again. Lol I know what you're thinking, 'that's a healthy way to let it out?' Ya... this way it is! I swear! I go to a martial arts class once or twice a week and started boxing again, whenever I can find someone to do it with. It makes me so happy! The other night I got home and I was a lot happier than when I had left. Anna asked why and all I could think of was, "do you know how good it feels to punch someone as hard as you can, in the face?" Anyway, it's been great, and I'm getting back into shape with it.
And last but not least... My cousin Beth is in the hospital with double pneumonia. She is twenty-six, a smoker, and they found some kind of a lump in her lungs the other week. She took a turn for the worst the other day. They put her on a breathing machine. Her body was using the oxygen they were giving her to try to fight the machine. The doctors induced her into a coma when her fever spiked the other night. Now it's just waiting to see which way she goes. The doctor told my aunt that the symptoms she is showing are those that people in their seventies usually show. Basically she would be dead if she was old, but because she is young she is fighting it. The irony is that she needs that will for her to survive, but it is that same will that might kill her because she is fighting the machines. If she turns for the better she'll have a long road back to recovery. They say that she might even have to learn how to walk all over again. If she doesn't recover it will be a long process of slowly slipping into the arms of our Heavenly Father.
I'm not ready to lose her.
When my mom called me to tell me what was happening, all of the memories I have with Beth went through my mind. There are a lot of them. I lot of really good ones. They flashed like it was a movie reel. I only remember a couple of other times in my life where that happened. It is usually when things are coming to an end, which scares me...because I don't want it to end. I found myself calling my mom and finding out all the updates, standing in the campus bookstore, fighting back tears. I don't cry that often, usually, and absolutely not in public.
So, there it is for now...until next time, just pray as much as possible...it's the only thing that people can do.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Reminder Post
This a blog to remind me to make another blog about these things: therapy, depression, addictions, Obama sucks, and fighting
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