Do you ever have those nights/days/months/years where everything seems to be hard?
I'm pretty sure it has been that way for me the last little while.

Before you go judging and telling me that I should "get over" it, hear me out. Either that, or stop reading my blog. I don't know if you've noticed but this blog is MY blog. It's like a window to my heart and soul. It is on paper, what I am at that moment. Sorry if you don't like it or feel like I should be a different way.

I have lived in Utah for a year this month. I look back at the past year with a little bit of animosity. I lived with my brother and sister-in-law's family for a few months while looking for a job. I found a job, though underpaid, in my field which I loved. I worked with troubled teenage girls. I learned a lot about them, about myself, and about life. At that time I found an apartment in Murray and moved there with my best friend Anna. It was a great time and a hard time. She was dating someone, we were both working at the same place. I felt very lost and confused. Trying to find your spot in the world is kind of a large and daunting task to be confronted with. It overwhelmed me to a point where I became very overwhelmed.

A couple of months later we lost our jobs, at the same time, due to downsizing of the company. Anna and Buck were engaged at this point. They found an apartment in Orem, I moved in with my brother's family in Springville, again, and I don't think I ever felt so alone in my life.

After about two months of it I met a wonderful guy. He swept me off my feet. He flattered me. He built me up in a ton of ways. He made me feel happy. It was a blissful few weeks. Then he broke my heart. He did it for good reasons. It was for the best, I'm sure. Yet, it left me feeling more broken and alone than I had before.

I moved to Provo with a friend. I am in a great ward. I still feel quite a bit alone. I have been on 1 date since my heart was broken, 6 months ago. To tell you the truth the desire to date is just now creeping back into my life. I have a full-time job, not in my field, that is very thankless but pays well enough that I can support myself. I see it as a great blessing.

The point is that I hated this year all in all. It was mean and cruel to me in a lot of ways. I feel left behind, forgotten, lost. I know this isn't right and I'm not proclaiming that it is. I am just saying that in general for the past year this is how I have felt.

Some of you might claim that it is because of my attitude towards life. You might be right. The thing is that I have tried to change it and it seems like every time I do, I get this HUGE smack across my face. It knocks me to the ground and I land on my face and bust my nose open. Then I'm walking around with a busted nose and a black eye and it takes time to heal from that. Then as soon as it is healed, I get smacked down again.

I feel like those close friend I've had my whole life don't really remember what that feels like. They don't seem to remember the pain that comes with that fall, the healing even more so sometimes. Which is good, because maybe I will forget it all too after I am married. Until then, though, it hurts like hell. A problem I run into with it is that I am also getting older. I don't have as much time or effort that can be put into this healing process. Yet, it also seems as if the older you are the longer it takes.

I know, I know. I am a Debbi Downer. Life isn't as bad as I think it is. I should be counting my blessings and baking cookies. Most of you who are thinking to yourself right now that I need to pull my head out and move on, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about, even if you think you do.